Poetry

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burning

written by: alf hickey

burning in my chest
the fear of losing you
the aching in my rest
without you

distant yet so close
connected you and I
addicted to your voice
your words

unseen, yet your'e there
your freckly body
your cheeky glance
frustration & romance

i have dreamed of you
for many years
since I first felt desire
for you I have been burning

your bait
those eyes and face
though I fight
i have your taste

allow us Lord
to be as one
to revel in your sun
praise you entwined

i watch you in my heart
your beauty
have to see
captivates me

Comments:

Mon, Jan 21, 2008 at 10:34AM

In the beginning you rhyme you and you which can put readers off and make them not read the rest... which would be their loss. You have a great message! It can me lost in the style though. You use rhyming randomly... rhyming the first two and second two lines, your second and fourth line, it's inconsistent.... so to that I say... Why Rhyme?? You have imagery and language on your side... next time I suggest avoiding using rhyme and just tell the story.

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