Poetry

my random teenage heart

written by: justhatgirl18

"You can't do anything to fix yesterday, but you can do something to make tomorrow a better day." I look at the quote and think back to my past, and sit in wonder of what it means to me. In my family I'm the youngest boy and the youngest child, my mom was 33 when she had me and my father was 37 when I was born. As you might naturally think, I was spoiled as a baby of the family. I got what I wanted and never stayed in trouble for to long, I guess that is probably why I was a fat chubby kid. Now I'm reading a chimp book thinking about all the connections.
I never truly knew what my actions could cause, for instance I once stole ten bucks from my brothers wallet. And he thought that a guy from his work stole it and he got into a fight with the guy. And my brother got arrested for the fight, did I really feel bad for it? No, I did not at the slightest; the thing is I wasn't punished for it. My mother gave me every kind of toy I could want as a little kid. I guess it's because I had the most medical problems of the family. I had have to go to Universtiay of Kansas (KU) medical often to do a developmental test, Neurological tests, and God knows how many more.
My Father left when my mom was pregnant with me, so he was not around when I was real little. He came back once every three months or so to drop off a blank child support check and make sure we remembered his face. So my mom had to work lots and lots of jobs, so we barely got to see her as well. So it came down to my two older brothers to make sure I did my homework and me and my sister got fed. So, we were poor and on food stamps often and even sometimes got help from the church.
Since I was a kid I did not fully understand what was really going on, I lived in blissful ignorance until my dad started to try to get back with my mom. They tried a few times, but it always ended the same. Them yelling at each other or my dad getting into it with my brothers; when ever that happened I would just hide in my room. That is pretty much my early childhood up to when I was 12 and it was the summer before 6th grade and my mom started to go to Chicago to see a old high school "friend". This time I was the only one in the house because my sister was kicked out and my brothers were grown ups. Well it turns out that my mom was a lesbian and she was seeing her girlfriend in Chicago.
She told me over the phone that she was gay when she in Chicago. So I being a 12 year old and alone I had to set there and absorb it. I have a gay aunt and uncle so it's not like it was new to me, but somehow it was new. The Chicago Girlfriend did not work out so my mom met another lesbian in Kansas City. They hit it off pretty quick and like month later she moved down here. My mom would make me go up there and visit her "Girlfriend" and make me spend the night up there. I hated it, to put it nicely I was very awkward up there, but I eventually stopped going. When my mom's girlfriend Lee moved down, everything had changed.
I did not have any privacy, everyday I would find clothes on the floor and my stuff gone through. My door was taken off because I could not be trusted anymore with anything apparently. I got into a fight during school and my mom and I got into a fight that night. And she told me that I am supposed to make her look good in public. She also said that she never wanted to have me, the only reason she did was because she was forced to have me. During Christmas break she decided to get married, so she and Lee went up to Canada for like a week. I do not even remember if she told me what she was doing.
She had left me alone on Christmas to go get married to somebody she knew for like three months. Then she came back and expected for me to just accept the fact that she left me alone on Christmas. I thought that I was in hell, I never felt more alone or more dead than right then. If I knew what would have been coming I would have cherished those moments. Because it is just how they say it, the worst has yet to come.
I eventually had to move out because my mom left my sister and I, with our father. Needless to say he was not equipped to be a good dad. So we had to move in with our Aunt Jane out in the country. Things lasted okay for a couple of months, before things begin to rot away from the core. Maybe it was already rotting before I got there. It could have been like an old piece of wood. It looks fine on the outside; but it is really a rotten piece of garbage on the inside. But that doesn't really matter, because my cousin is a spoiled rotten brat and he didn't take having to share things to well.
It eventually came down to moving out or getting kicked out again. So I took option A and moved out to the lake with my dad in a tiny little camper. That was when I started to feel happy again. I do not know what it was but I was just happy beyond explanation out there. I guess it was the serenity of being totally free from life. I guess that is why now I wake up in the middle of the night and just stand outside. When it rains I always go out side and just stand out there and let my problems wash away.
I did not hear from my mom too much, the only time I heard from her was when I was in need of school supplies. There were times when she would call me and ask me to go visit her up in the city. But I would say no, and then she would pull the line "I've done nothing wrong…I could have cancer and how would you feel if I would just kill myself? And be out of your lifer forever." That would kill me more than anything else. I used to wonder what kind of a mom says that. I would say" Well, mom right now after what you done to me. It would be a blessing so I wouldn't have to deal with your shit any more."
I hate myself for saying that to her, but at the time I did not because the wounds she inflicted was still all too fresh. Eventually my sister moved out of my Aunt's house and with us. So we moved into town and rented a place. My dad just inherited a little over $200,000. He was going to build us a house. For a few months we were living largely, as one could imagine. We often spent over $500 bucks on groceries every two weeks. I do commend my dad for trying so hard, but he just worened our problems by spoiling us.
So a few months go by and we get the house built, and we move in. And then like a broken record player; the same old stupid crap started to come back, my dad blew all of his money. He lost a job he had for a little while; we were back on food stamps. My sister had to basically grow up at 16 and support us. She eventually moved out and moved in with my other cousin. A few months pass and my dad eventually leaves to go to Oklahoma, to tell you the truth I don't think he even said good bye.








I began to think that I was the root of all of theses crazy problems. To tell you the truth I still think I am. I just have to say thank God for the pair of brothers I was stuck with. Because my brother, Kevin, came up to live with me.; for about two months before I decided to live with my mom again in Spring Hill. It was a fun time while it lasted, but this is when I think I did the qututaum leap from childhood. Now I am still growing up but I like to think I am mature for my age, I care about other people.
To try to wrap this up quickly, my sister and I got kicked out two or three more times. We started to live with Kevin twice, and then I got my sister kicked out. Then I eventually got myself kicked out. Then I started to live with my dad again until we got evicted. Now I am living in my uncle's house with my sister and my cousin. I don't like how everything is blame on the mother if the kid turns out to be bad. But, in retrospect the majority of my problems come from my mother.
I tried to kill myself; it was because my mother made me feel like nothing was worth living for. I felt like a poison to the world, I ate away at everything, until there is nothing left. That is how my mother made me feel. Now wether by intention or if it was unintentional is up for my mother to decide. But, I didn't go through with it; my reason was because I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad. I was given a new chance to make sure, nobody would have to go through what I went through. In a way, I did kill myself that night. But I was born again, I now how lame that must sound.
In a way this whole experience was necessary, it turned me into a better person in the long run. I would not have gotten through it if it was not for my siblings, they risked more often than what they should have. My sister is really my mom, my oldest brother is really my dad, and my other brother is a cool uncle.
In my future I want to be in a good career, I am thinking if something that has to do with graduate school. Because I do not want to be as poor as I was when I was a kid, and I want to prove my mom wrong. I want to prove to her that I am going to matter to lots of people one day. I guess it would have to be some profession that saves people. I kind of have a heroes complex, I guess it develop from seeing so much pain in my family. That I could not stop when I was a little kid; I want to be a better parent than both of mine combined, I want to be the dad that goes to all of my kids games. I want to be the dad that helps my kids with their homework, and when they grow older I want them to come to me with their problems.
You may see me as this confident young guy, with the world at his feet. But, that is not the real me at all. The real me is a very scared, unconfident guy who thinks he can not get his shoes tied right. I always find flaws in my character, for example I need to be a stronger person when it comes to my friends; just like when Pom first had her baby, she was a better mom than Passion but she still screwed up. I'm just so scared of what the future holds for me.
I know that my mom has made some bad decisions and that somewhere in her mind she thought. That what she was doing was right, and when it comes down to it. I can't blame her for what she did to me or my sister.
Benjamin Disraeli once said "that to read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory." I like this quote because life is life, I believe in predestination and so far I believe everything has a meaning to it. We can make a theory possible about how to live life, but in the end. We are just members of an audience watching the same movie, just trying to guess the next plot twist, or how it ends. For me, I know that one day I'll be famous for saving the world from some unknown terror. But right now I'm just watching like everybody else.