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An Enchanted Roadstead

written by: arjjones

Bear Necessities
©2008 Eric Lawson

Attention vacationing bears: When planning your next picnic to your favorite National Park with your little bear clan, there are several key things to keep in mind. The following list is designed to keep everyone entertained, relaxed and safe and sound from those pesky, asinine humans.

1) When choosing your picnic site, make sure to urinate and/or defecate in a circle around the site. This will usually deter humans from several hundred yards downwind.

2) Even though you're all enjoying a lazy summer glutinous orgy, be sure to roar every twenty minutes to half hour. The sight of bears mating is mystifying to humans, but a few threatening bellows will send them heading for the hills and shitting their pants (which helps with marking the territory from point #1)

3) Eat your food live and wriggling. Hey, we all know it's disgusting and unsanitary, but we're supposed to be the kings of the forest, right? How would the humans view us if they knew we roast S'mores and get trashed on cheap beer just like they do? Perish the thought!

4) Get off your fresh-from-hibernating-ass and climb a tree now and then. Yeah, it's a royal pain in the ass and serves no real purpose, but it sends a message loud and clear. That message is: I'm fat, loud, lazy, and annoying, but I can still out-climb your weak ass limbs, you puny humans! Well, that and we like honey. It's like mother's milk. Good grief! Can you imagine if the humans found out that honey gives us freakish strength and agility? No worries. Humans are oblivious imbeciles. Have you seen their so-called clothes and their expressive dances? I rest my case.

5) If you make a mess, clean it up for crying out loud. Covering your tracks will save your ass. That and our most sacred guilty pleasure is watching the rangers force the humans to clean up after other humans! And those matching orange jumpsuits are ridiculous.

Well, there you have it in a honeycomb. Enjoy the summer picnics, lakes, and park season, fellow bears. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. So keep your lighter away from your deranged, pyromaniac cousin. Oh, and while you're at it, hide the beer, too. He's a shameless mooch. And just to be safe, cancel out any stray magnifying glass. It's a ticking time bomb. In fact, just leave that tool at home!


Sun, Mar 30, 2008 at 9:55AM

I have to admit that I don't quite know what it is your talking about, but for some reason I think it's great poem. One of the best I've read since I joined the group. If you ask me why I like it, all I can say is that it's a combiation of the rythmn, the word images, and the mystery they create.

Tue, Oct 13, 2009 at 12:05PM

i would comment but just reading this caused my tongue to become desparately lodged in my cheek...and i feel a snicker coming on...so i'll have to get back wth you

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