Prose

this time (sarah)

written by: babeestars

We argued, I hated arguing with her, it tore me apart inside, but it happened, and today, she had asked to meet, I hoped that things would be ok again. She had let me down, again, she didn't mean to but I couldn't stop it hurting. Maybe I was being silly, that's always what I told myself anyway, she would say she was sorry, she didn't mean for this to happen, she hated seeing me upset, I would say I was sorry, tell her I shouldn't have been silly, I hadn't meant to argue, I was upset but it wasn't her fault. We'd move on, I'd still be hurting, 'd still cry at night, but she'd be happy again. Things could go back to normal. But it was an endless cycle, things would get rough for me, one way or another, and she would know, she always did, and when I really needed her she wouldn't be there, she never was, and it would hurt so badly, I would make it through, I'd be in pieces, I always was, but I could get myself back together eventually, and when it was over she'd come back, all smiley and eventually I'd break down, we'd fight. But it always fixed itself one way or another. And this time I really couldn't let her go, this time was different, I knew something I shouldn't, and this time, I needed her more than ever, I couldn't tell her, but I couldn't lose her. If I lost her that was it, there was no point in me living, but she just didn't know that.
"Sarah," I looked at her, I could see her face, her perfect features, her beautiful eyes, posed lips. I could almost see me looking back and I knew she would be thinking the same.
"Katie," I could smell her sweet sent.
"Sarah, I..." she took a deep breath, "oh god, this is so hard to say, I can't do this anymore Sarah, I can't handle it."
"I'm sorry," I stood staring at my feet.
"Sarah, don't, it's not you, I... I just can't do it,"
"can't do what?" I asked her.
"I can't see you anymore." I jerked my head up so I was staring straight at her. "I can't go through this time and time again. You want to know the truth why I'm not there for you when you say you need me? Because you don't, you can do it on your own, and you've proved it. You can't rely on me for support, but I can't bear to see you in pain Sarah, I can't watch you go through it alone each time and I can't take the fighting after."
"but, if you can see me hurting why don't you do anything, why, if you can see I'm alone don't you help me?"
"I just can't, ok? I just can't." she wiped away the black mascara slowly forming lines under her eyes.
"Katie, please," I sniffed holding back tears myself, "look what it's doing to you, saying goodbye maybe that shows you it's not right."
"it is, once I say goodbye it's over, Sarah, no more hurt and upset, surely you can see that."
"No, no I can't, you want to get away from hurt or upset? Every time I cry it will be ten times worse because I know that no matter what there will be no you,"
"Sarah, oh Sarah. You mean the absolute world to me, that's why I have to do this, we have to go our own ways."
"But my ways with you"
"No," she said, "it can't be anymore, it can't be."
"Remember, last time you tried to say goodbye, last time; you couldn't do it, what's changed? Remember how it tore us apart, but we got through it, Katie we got through it."
"Maybe, it would have been better if I walked away then, got on the train and left, look what we've become. We depend on each other, it has to stop."
"What about all those memories, all those coffees we had, when we walked down to the park or at the river with youth, or...or..."
"Sarah, stop, please stop."
"Or crewing, Katie, what about when we crew?" her fingers brushed my face gently and I reached up to hold her hand.
"Sarah, I'll never forget those things, and there is no way I'll ever forget you. But can't you see. Why do you crew? Because it was like me, why do you perform? Because it was like me. Why do you hurt? Because of me. Sarah, I'm not saying I want to do this, but I have to, you have to."
"No, Katie we don't." Tears glided down my face one by one. "We don't."
"We do" she insisted.
"You may have made me who I am, and you don't know how grateful I am, and I'm happy in everything I do, I love it, and that's because of you."
"I'm so sorry." She started to walk away from me. I grabbed her arm pulling her back.
"Katie, please don't do this, don't do it. We had so much planned, me and you, please Katie." She pulled away leaving me standing, alone. "Katie!" I screamed. But she was gone, and I felt empty. So empty I thought I might cave in. Empty, and alone.