Prose

Throw it all Away

written by: Sweet Insanity

I spent the past 3 hours cleaning my car and house and organizing my computer. The question of the day is why can't I do that with my mind? Why can't I throw all of the junk like worry and doubt and fear into a happy little trash bin click empty and throw it all away.

Why can't I get a fucking grip? I disgust myself while making myself physically ill with worry and panic and doubt and fear and in the end I have nothing but self-loathing. Why can't I just stop freaking out?

I used to be obsessed with being perfect. Now I just want to feel good enough to get by. I hate this time of year. When everything starts up again and you just finish relaxing enough to say "Crap what the fuck do I do now? Where am I going? How am I doing everything that needs to be done?"

I need to get a grip. Grab onto a study ledge of control. Are you my ledge? If I grab onto you do you promise not to let me fall? How do I learn to climb without you at every foot-hole and hand grip? Where do I go from here?

Where can I find a mental garbage can that I can say "Fuckin' Junk!" and just throw it all away?