Prose

This Weak Heart of Mine

written by: rstephens93

As the pressure amounts

I am left in debt and doubt

Performance matters all the most

They say, Do your best, work hard

But do I not do well/good enough already

Telling me how to live

Who to be

They ask what I want to do with my life

But do I even know myself

Do something you are good at, something you like

They always tell me

But I already do

But it is not what they want to hear

Trying to please

Trying to make myself feel good

Dying for any bit of praise

Confidence something I seem to lack

Knowing the work to be done

I never yet can seem to put my mind on the task at hand

Saving things for last minute

When I have all the time in the world

Yet in this time I fail to spend properly

I yet seem to put my thoughts on computer screens

Ruled paper, and blank sheet

Diving into concepts of feelings

Physchological thoughts

Emptiness

And our love centered lives

The love we feel we never have

When it is something we fail to show

Harsh realities, and cynical intellectualities fill my mind

Failure comes up, and keeps me from being able to think of success

When it is something I feel I have to get for people to even give me a second thought

But yes once again

I end up wasting my time

With pen and paper

Then they say that will not get me far

I have to get a job and enter this unforgiving systematic world

College is not an option, it is the only acceptable way

But my own ideas and opinions have no place

So here I am again

Jumbling my doubts and fears into hardly understood sentences and phrases

Loneliness and regret get me nowhere

Yet again thoughts of these matters grab hold of my mind and fail to let go

Fighting with the pressure of fitting in

When fitting in is what I hate the most

The powers and systems of this world

Always seem to enchain me again

Being like everybody else seems to be the key

But doing this slowly erodes my own personality

Wearing the right clothes and living the bland life of normality

Kill me inside everytime

Hiding my personality, and wearing the mask

Just taps another stake in this weak heart of mine

Putting me in a state that I am in right now

Having to smile and agree with everything society tells me

Just adds to the flame of regret

That I put on myself because of the way I choose to blend in

Because of the way I fail to represent myself, and show myself to the world

Keeping myself locked up in the prison of silence

And using the masquerade

If only escaping the status quo and static flow

Was a possibillity

But my weak heart and its utter need of acceptance hold me back just one more time

Sorry for possibly wasting your time

In this long note of my fears and doubts

But when you find out, could you tell me what life is all about