Prose

March 17, 2007(my sucide attempt)

written by: Daniel91

So I've decided to write a prose piece at least once a week. That is kind of a big dream because it's really hard to find an idea and write something good about it. But the point of this prose is to learn how to see and save someone from suicide. I know they're will be people who will be mad, offended, and extremely pissed off at me.

But this is coming from somebody who has tired suicide and somebody who used to cut themselves allot. Writing is the only thing in my life that I am semi good at, so if my writing can help one person than nothing else matters. This may sound silly and childish, but the only thing I really want to do with my life is to save people from the darkness.

So get to the topic, in order to see the signs you need to know what they are. So from being an attempted suicide is going to talk about. What I went through and how alone I felt so alone and the depths of depression I was in. Again the reason I am writing this, is because I see people all around me who need help. And I can't be there to save them, which I know most don't want me to help them. So maybe whoever is reading this can do what I can't.

Depression can cause someone to go through a number of things. It'll make them feel like there is no end to a long dark tunnel. It'll make them feel completely alone like there is no one that cares for them. So they feel like they can't talk to anybody about what they're going through, because how can someone understand what they're going through. When I was a freshman I went through all of personal and school stuff, which I felt like I had no end to the constant rollercoaster of my life.

So I begin to slip into more depression, I begin to cut myself in order to feel relived, to know my mother didn't totally kill me on the inside. It was the only thing I began to look forward to because I knew that pain was constant, and it wouldn't leave me. I look back at it all and I wonder why they didn't see my own emotional hell. Because I didn't let them, I knew what kind of a mask to put on for the day. I knew what shirt to wear to hide my cuts.

So during an average school day I would do nothing but fantasize about other kids. Not in some sick prevented sexual way, but like what they did at home, did they have a family dinner? If so, what was it like? What did it feel like to have both your parents at one home, what did it feel like to mess around with your dad. That would be the only thing I would think about all day. When I got home I would lock my door and just think of how I was robbed of all those things. Then I would pull the knife out and cut my arm, somehow through the combination of the pain and the blood. It was like all those feelings of jealously and lust for a normal life would drop out of me.

I ramble way off point; most kids have different reasons for going through depression. But the affects of it are: easy to get to get mad at the littlest of things, they seem distant, long shelves or long pants. I know these are are very generic and cliques, but your best tool is to use your heart and kind of feel them out. Some people are more obvious than others but it's something you know in the bottom of your heart.

Am going to talk about the day I decided to kill myself, March 17, 2007. A date I will always remember, that would have been the worst day of my life. The school and my friends my family, found out about what I been doing after school. Remember about my feelings bleeding out when I cut myself? That all I wanted to do that day, to cut myself to release the poison that was in me. I never felt so much emotion that day before; I felt anger, rage, self-pity, sadness, shameful. It was like I didn't know what to do anymore.

That night I cut myself some more, to try to bleed those feelings out before I went insane from it. But it didn't work, so I decide to kill myself. I wrote a very long note saying goodbye to everybody, I got the knife out. Held up my wrist, I said goodbye to God wanting it be the last thing I said in my life. At that moment God showed up and stopped me, I don't care how that sounds to you. I know what I saw and heard; He saved me from killing myself. He gave me a new life, a new start, a new purpose.

That was the day I decided other people came first, and I knew what to do with my life. I knew I had to save other people from the blackness; this changed didn't happen all at once. It actually took me a whole year to get things settled. I know what it's like to be that depressed and that sad, I think God saved me to show other people how to find his light and his eternal love for us.

This piece actually turns out to be more about me, than other people. Am sorry you took your time reading this....

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