Prose

Long Depressing Thing

written by: azceltic

I wish I could escape this feeling of helplessness and regret. I want to escape myself doubt and self hatred. I don't want to live by their standards anymore. I'm sick of fulfilling everyones needs by my own. I wish to be free of my bondage that rules me and encloses me in it's wrath. I want to be loved not hated and feared. I want someone to be there for me for once. I don't want to live in fear and agony forever. I'm sick of being scared of guys and commitment. I hate her power over me. I hate him replaying my dad in my head. I wish they would just be more tied to me as I'm to them. I want her to let me be with him, I need and deserve it. I wish my cat was all mine instead of my brother using him to hurt and manipulate me. I want them to praise me not put me down. I'm sick of the voice in my head. I hate these memories that fill my mind. I don't like being forced to withdrawal or come out direct. I don't want to face the facts that no one will ever understand me. I hate being insecure. I hate the guilt trips and manipulation. I'm sick of paranoia and unease I want to leave the shell I'm in. I hate being ignored and shunned. I don't like stating my opinion in fear of rejection or hatred. I hate not trusting and being unable to keep relationships. I hate being ashamed of sexual doings thoughts, or fantasies. I hate keeping bad secrets and feeling dirty. I fear my own power and strength of mind. I don't like being pushed around or controlled. I want my independence. I hate being invisible. I hate being called psycho and feeling insane. I never want to be locked away forever. I don't want to resort to hurting others. I hate being isolated and alone. I don't wanna die young and alone. I hate this life I've made for myself and the hell I created in my mind. I don't want to hear him anymore and I won't lean to their expectations and standards anymore. I will get my freedom and finally live my life how I want to. I hate being dragged along cause I can be and I hate being used. I don't want to be in a crowd yet feel totally alone. I hate being the joke of everyone and I hate this hell. I'm not funny and I don't try to be serious, yet I don't try to be funny. I hate the cold lonely and nights. I don't wanna be a sheep that fallows the heard. I'm one of a kind and I can never fit in the crowd. I'll always be a rogue and no one will ever stay long enough to save me from myself, for I'll never stop being a lonely outcast.